I Failed You
by tigertiger1
Summary: After Alienated (spoilers). This is my first ever fanfic. Please be gentle.


Disclaimer: I don't own the characters Mark and Steve Sloan, Jesse Travis and Amanda Bentley. They belong to CBS and Viacom. This story is just for enjoy and not for profit.

I Failed You

Jesse

I'm a doctor.  Rationally I know that I was drugged, that I had no control over what I was doing so why do I still feel like this?  I tried to kill one of my dearest friends.  I had a gun and I shot at him and I meant to kill him.  I'm just so glad that my aim was so screwed.  I tried to talk to him today, to apologise but he wouldn't let me.  Told me it wasn't really me trying to kill him – it was the drugs.  All those years of just saying no.  A lot of good it did me.  Now I have to get them out of my system before Mark will let me practice again.  At least this time he hasn't suspended me.

Steve

"You left me" – that's all I hear when I look at Jesse.  When we got him back I was all over him with questions.  I was so relived that he was alive I didn't even stop think what was going on in his head.  I needed to know what had happened, to know that he was alright.  And then, "you left me".  It cut me to the quick.  I froze, couldn't go on – left him again.  I suddenly realised that he had been depending on me to help him and I failed him.

Mark

Now that it's all over we can take a little time to reflect on what happened this week – not the actual events, we all know those.  Now is a time for healing.  Jesse needs to heal physically and emotionally.  It's going to be a while before the drugs clear his system completely and he's going to need his friends around him.  Whatever he thinks, we do care.  He's going to get all the support he needs.

What worries me more is Steve.  He needs to realise that he did everything he could for Jesse.  Those two are so close they're almost brothers.  When one's hurt, the other feels it.  But this time something was said that hurt Steve more than he'll ever admit.  He doesn't need to – he's my son.  I know.  Now I need to convince him that it wasn't really Jesse.  I think deep down he knows, he just needs to hear it from someone else.

So, I found Steve.  He was on the beach, staring aimlessly out to sea, lost in thought.  I didn't know where to start so I just put my hand on his shoulder to let him know I was there.  He smiled at me sadly.  I can't remember the last time I saw him so down.  Then he started talking and it was as if a gate had been opened.  He told me how he thought he had failed Jesse, how he thought Jesse thought the same thing.  And then he asked me if I thought he had failed.  What could I say?  He did everything humanly possible to find Jesse.  I don't believe that Jesse thinks Steve failed him.  When he's back to himself again he'll tell Steve himself.  

Jesse

I had to get out of my apartment.  I felt that the walls were closing in on me and it was a feeling I could do without.  I don't know how I ended up at the beach house – I just did.  It must be ingrained on me.  When I need something that's where I go.  Thing is though, when I got there I couldn't go in.  How can I just carry on as if nothing happened?  I tried to kill Mark and I threatened Steve with a baseball bat.  I don't know how they'll ever forgive me.  So I did what I comes naturally.  I went down on to the beach.  

As I came over a dune I saw them – father and son.  Something that I so envy and was so almost part of until I betrayed their friendship.  They were deep in conversation but even from this distance I could hear the odd word carried over on the sea breeze.  I heard my name and it was enough to make me want to turn and run.  But then Mark looked over and saw me.  And that's what kept me there.  It was the realisation that I'd done enough running away.

Steve

Whenever I need to think I go to the beach – I've done it since I was a kid.  I guess that's why Dad always finds me, I never could hide from him.  As soon as I saw him I knew what he was going to say – that Jesse didn't mean those things he said and did.  But right now that's not my problem.  My problem is me.  I shouldn't have left him alone in the cabin, I shouldn't have been so long getting back, I should have found him.  I failed him.

I told Dad all this and he looked at me in that way that he does, eyes full of compassion and understanding.  I think he was about to reassure me when we both saw a movement behind us.  He turned and I felt him relax.  I knew without looking who he had seen.

Mark

As soon as I saw Jesse I felt better.  He was out and about under his own steam.  I looked at Steve who hadn't moved but I knew that he was fully aware that Jesse was there.  I also knew that these two needed to talk to each other – not to me.  I gave Steve a pat on the back as I moved away up the beach to Jesse.  He looked exhausted and worried.  He kept looking at Steve's back and didn't seem to notice me until I reached out to touch him.  He started to apologise to me again but right now I'm not the one that needs that.  I shook my head and pointed to Steve.  Jesse and I will have to talk.  We need to clear the air as well but we have time.

I watched as Jesse reluctantly acknowledged that I could wait and slowly weaved his way over the sand until he was standing next to Steve.  I couldn't hear what was being said but I could see the way they were standing, almost to attention.  I watched them for a while until I began to feel like an intruder.  

Returning to the beach house I'm sure I heard a laugh, just a small one but it's a start.


End file.
